As decreed by Spacebooger, the latest round of Friday Night Fights shall follow one rule only - the time-honored rule of O.P.P.

To wit: One Panel of Pain.

And nobody brings the pain like Thor. Runner-up is Ulik the Rock Troll. Put them together, and it's almost more pain than can be contained in one panel (even when that panel is drawn by Scott Kolins).



Glimpsed here is the deadly Asgardian shoulder check, met by a wicked troll face-butt. Truly, it be-eth on.


From Thor: Blood Oath #6 by Michael Avon Oeming and Scott Kolins.

Here we see Spider-Man performing maneuver 326 from the 500 Ways to Smack a Ninja manual... also known as 'The Cleopatra'.




From Amazing Spider-Man #426, by Tom Defalco and Steve Skroce. Spacebooger cried, along with the rest of America, the day Skroce left the book to go design the Matrix.

I didn't have the chance to participate in Friday Night Fights last night, because I was at a Hanukkah party.

This is ironic for two reasons:

1) I'm not Jewish.
2) Neither, apparently, is the Hulk.




Holiday-themed b-choomery courtesy of Incredible Hulk #378, by Peter David and Bill Jaaska

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present the most relaxed gang of robbers-slash-murderers in the Marvel Universe.



Seriously. The driver's kicked back with a smoke, and John Oates in the back looks like he's about to fall asleep, muttering (admittedly weak) insults at his friends all the while.

Fortunately, this is the sort of thing that happens to lazy robbers in the Marvel Universe...



... Silver Sable shows up and puts them in traction for the rest of their lives.

And that's why the 80s was Spacebooger's favorite decade.


From Amazing Spider-Man #279, by Tom Defalco and Rick Leonardi.

Man... even when the Hulk CAN think, doing so doesn't get him anywhere.





Spacebooger once told me that "BLONK" is the sound stupid makes when it's getting knocked (back) into you.


From Incredible Hulk #364, by Peter David and Jeff Purves.

Here's the pitch: Mr. Hyde and the Cobra hate each other. During a fight with Spider-Man, Hyde's ham-sized hand ends up webbed to the Cobra's head. Sounds like the opening act of a hilarious buddy movie, right?

Too bad Hyde never got around to reading the script...





Fortunately, Spacebooger's hard at work on the rewrite as we speak.


From Amazing Spider-Man #232 by probably the greatest Spidey team of all time, Roger Stern and John Romita, Jr.

This is what happens when you ask the Prince of Power for an honest assessment of your awful new costume, Wonder Man:



To the Lion of Olympus, diplomacy = dropping a Quinjet on any and all fashion atrocities. When faced with a leisure suit, Hercules JUST SAYS NAY!



Only Spacebooger knows just how hard you've got to hit somebody to get that "ch" on the end of the sound effect.


Hercules and Wonder Man trade fashion tips - and blows - in Incredible Hercules #113.

With the violent demise of my scanner, I am forced to resort to my sadly out-of-print Incredible Hulk: The Complete Collection DVD for tonight's blow-by-blow.

You know the cool thing about going into the vaults for FNF fodder, though? You can pick an issue completely at random, and as long as it came out before 1986, you will always - always - find a paraplegia-inducing blow accompanied by a wacky sound effect somewhere in there. Always.

Observe:



HULK LIKE TITANIC! LEONARDO DICAPRIO THE BEST!



WHY TIGER SHARK NOT LIKE HULK FAVORITE MOVIE????



As is usually the case with violence, Spacebooger is the only true winner.


From Incredible Hulk #160, by Steve Gerber and Herb Trimpe, wherein Bruce Banner crashes Betty Ross's honeymoon at Niagara Falls, and fights Tiger Shark for Absolutely No Reason.

Spacebooger has lifted the mantle (and tossed the gauntlet) so recently abandoned by Bahlactus... and yea verily, Friday Night Fights lives again!

What better way to celebrate than with some sweet, sweet science from the late, great Mike Wieringo?



You hear that guys? The Hulk has a plan! And this is the smart gray Hulk, not the stupid green one, so I'll bet it's gonna be a doozy! Let's watch!



...

Nope, same plan.


From the oversized special What If... This Was the Fantastic Four by Jeff Parker, Mike Wieringo, and a bunch of other talented folks. We miss you, 'Ringo.

I keep hearing rumblings that tonight's edition of Friday Night Fights might be Bahlactus's last ever. I pray to the All-father this isn't so.

...

But just in case it is, what better way to send him off than with two ninja babes visiting horrible violence on each other?



Don't fall for it, creepy masked chick!



Whoop. Too late. You're screwed.



Storytelling 101: If you introduce a tree trunk in the first act...



... make sure somebody's face gets smashed into it in the final act.


From Empowered, Vol. 3 by Adam Warren. Volume 4 just hit stores this week, so do yourself a favor and go pick it up. Then everybody go say goodbye to Bahlactus.

While we are happy that the fairer sex has been getting its time in the Friday Night Fights spotlight of late, we have been disappointed by the lack of representation of ladies from the animal kingdom.

In order to rectify this oversight, we present you with a mama bird's unique method of defending her young from the food chain.


Baby bird falls out of nest!




Mean bobcat is ready to take advantage!



( Click here for the rest of the thrilling story )

Bahlactus has postponed tonight's edition of Friday Night Fights - Ladies Night Edition, but we won't let a silly thing like "nobody else is doing it" stop us from playing the game.


Here we have the lovely and brilliant Dr. Mann, who - having apparently never seen Mad Max - tried to make a deal with a bunch of militant zealots to let her and her friends pass on the highway said militants were blocking. For her trouble (and her Gibson deficiency), she wound up beaten and tied to a chair.

Fortunately, these crazy militant bitches didn't realize that the lovely and deadly Agent 355 was Dr. Mann's wing-woman.



Wait for it...



Agent 355 does many things like a girl, but hitting is not one of them.


From some issue of Y the Last Man that I can't remember now because I already took the trade back to the library. Just go read the whole series. It's worth it... even if this is the only popped eyeball in its 60-issue run.

In ancient Greece, you didn't just call some kid you didn't know a "bumpkin" (or whatever the ancient Greek equivalent of "bumpkin" was). Not unless you were ready to deflect a half-naked beat-down.

Obviously, nobody ever told these guys that.






"Henceforth, 'Paris' Shall No Longer Be Considered a Sissy's Name!"


From Eric Shanower's Age of Bronze: A Thousand Ships graphic novel. Homer-tested, Bahlactus-approved.

Pop quiz: You're hiding in a closed amusement park from a knife-wielding nutjob who thinks the fish living in his brain are telling him to kill you. You stash your asthmatic kid sister under the merry-go-round, but that's the first place said nutjob looks. Now he's winding himself up to carve her like a Christmas ham. What do you do? What do you do?

Answer: As long as there's a skee ball machine nearby, there's always a way.



But... oh damn, now he's after you!

No problem. Just keep your cool and ask yourself... "What would Bahlactus do?"



Exactly.


From the excellent Silverfish graphic novel by the equally excellent David Lapham.

Because he's a big pimp, Batman recently found out he's got a son by international terrorist Talia Al Ghul, named Damian.

True to his given name, Damian ended up being a little punk. Robin tried to be cool about it at first, but you know, eventually, they just had to end up smacking each other all around the Batcave.

The fight ended, as these things often do, atop a robotic dinosaur, with Robin offering some cut-rate emotional therapy.



Watch out for the brass knuckle sucker-punch, Boy Wonder!



That kid hates being called a jerk.



Same thing happened to Bahlactus, I hear. Fortunately, the ground was there to break his fall.


Damian spreads his dickery all over the Batman and Son hardcover, by Grant Morrison and Andy Kubert.

Stop asking questions, Spider-Man!



When Bahlactus tells you to chin-check the Mandarin, you do it with a quickness.


Spidey cold-cocks the Mandarin in the way-better-than-it-had-to-be Spider-Man/Hulk/Iron Man Free Comic Book Day Special. Remember, kids, sometimes the best way to solve a problem is to punch out a Chinese person.

Deadshot and Rick Flag, Jr. show Comrade Stereotype* what happens when you mess with America - 80s style! That's what you get for wearing that funny hat, Ivan!

This moment of nigh-overwhelming ruggedness is from Suicide Squad #7. I hear Bahlactus wept tears made of pure patriotism when he read that issue.


(* His name was actually Molotov, but that's almost as ridiculous - though still not as bad as his teammate, Bolshoi. Boris and Natasha, sadly, were not available to appear in this issue.)

In keeping with last week's theme of proper dame handling, we take a look at how Ms. Modesty Blaise deals with an overly amorous suitor.

In short: One warning, chump. That's all you get.



Bahlactus tried to warn you.


Modesty has been throwing elbows since her second newspaper strip, reprinted in Modesty Blaise: The Gabriel Set-Up.

Friday Night Fights is back! And this time, it's all-classic, baby!

And by "classic", we mean "black & white".



"Even Bahlactus knows better than to treat a woman that way!"


Biff Bradley and the Thunderer continue their debate on the finer points of dame-handling in Guns of the Dragon #3.